From the Depths of Despair

Posted by Juno on May 30, 2011

There were so many dark days during my infertility ordeal, it’s hard to pinpoint the lowest moment.  One of them came after my third failed IVF (the first two resulting in chemical pregnancies the third producing only two fertilized eggs of poor quality).  Here’s my diary entry two months after that IVF attempt, at which point I was no longer ovulating and my thyroid levels were out of whack:

(June 29)
I’m a fucking wreck.  I’m so fucking confused about why nothing I’ve worked for so hard these past two and a half years has come to fruition.  What is the lesson here and why had God made it so opaque?  I really don’t know what the point of being so disappointed is.  I spend all day everyday wondering if I am supposed to keep investigating and trying and praying and eating right and visualizing or if I should give up (which I’m never inclined to do).  I’m begging God for a sign but I haven’t gotten one.  God’s silence has been deafening.  I know I’ll be a wonderful mother.  So why aren’t I ovulating?  I don’t understand.  Is it the fertility drugs that have made my body’s problems even worse?  Why am I now hyperthyroid?  Is it all the stress of infertility?  Is it depression?  I’m not sure why God is making this so terribly difficult for me?  Why isn’t my family plan or my career plan working?  I’m getting really depressed.  I don’t know how to go on.

I know how many people in despair hit rock bottom and feel they can’t go on.  I’m lucky that my fertility clinic offered a support group.  I was reluctant at first, afraid I’d hear horror stories that would cause even more anxiety.  But I eventually signed up and found that to be with other women going through the same pain and feelings, was a godsend.  If you’re looking for a support group, check out Resolve’s website.  They have groups in most states:


But beyond bonding, support groups have been shows to dramatically improve success.  Dr. Alice Domar, director of Women’s Health Services at Harvard Medical School, has done fascinating studies on how women in support groups actually have a higher success rate than women who go it alone. 

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