Now that I knew about my MTHFR and it’s link to miscarriage, and now that I was treating it with mega-doses of Folic Acid, I felt I should give IVF another try. So, two months after the second chemical pregnancy, we decided to jump back on the horse. Naturally, I worried time was fleeting. My RE switched my protocol from Cetrotide to Lupron micro-flare (1 unit per day starting on day 2 of my period). He again began the process with a two-week Pill primer, which I hated and always felt was wrong-headed. Get pregnant by preventing pregnancy? Huh??
Whereas, with the other protocol, the doctors doing pre-retrieval ultrasounds said they could see as many as 12 eggs (though at retrieval they only got 7 at most), this time doctors said they could only see 3. That was an emotional setback. I was always classified as a “poor responder” but this time my ovaries seemed particularly reluctant.
Retrival -- On 4/25 they were able to scrounge up 5 eggs. But on 4/26, only two had fertilized. When I went in for the Day 3 transfer, the RE (not my primary one) told me they were both of such poor quality that it probably wasn’t worth transferring them. I was despondent. We decided to transfer the embryos anyway, just in case. I was spent. I didn’t know whether to hold out any hope of a miracle that these two feeble fractured-cell embryos could produce a baby.
My diary entry read:
“I know I’m supposed to be radiating positive energy but I find that challenging in the face of few external cues. It’s easy to be positive when you’re getting great feedback. I know my challenge is to be hopeful and have faith even without evidence.”
Two weeks later, I got a negative beta. It seemed clear to me that my body, already a reluctant participant in the IVF process, desperately wanted a break. And my bloodwork revealed as much: somehow in the course of fertility treatments, I’d become Hyperthyroid. I went to see a team of endocrinologists who confirmed that the HCG shot can bring on hyperthyroidism. I also learned a high rate of recurrent miscarriages has been demonstrated among women with thyroid imbalances. This was all I needed. Why did it feel as though I was getting further and further from fertility?
I decided I would not do another cycle until I could get my thyroid and ovaries functioning properly again (which I knew from experience would take months). I sensed I only had the energy for, at most, one more cycle. And in the meantime, I decided to work on my deepening depression and sadness.
I redoubled my efforts to work on the Mind/Body connection to fertility and spent the next three months eating right, doing acupuncture, and using creative visualizations to try to bring baby energy closer.It was a very painful time.